


i need your grace

by littlelionvanz



Category: Half Life Trilogy - Sally Green
Genre: Canon Compliant, Hand Jobs, M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-31
Updated: 2015-03-31
Packaged: 2018-03-20 14:10:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3653325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlelionvanz/pseuds/littlelionvanz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I bring my hand to rest on his cheek and he leans into my palm. “I’ll never hurt you again, okay?” I feel like there’s so much more I need to say, so many things I need to apologize for. Gabriel was always better with words that I could ever be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i need your grace

**Author's Note:**

> I don't normally write in the first-person, but I had been listening to the audiobook before I started so Nathan's voice came easy to write (or at least, that's how I hope it came across.) Anyways half way through, I got too lazy to switch the POV, so here we are.
> 
> Post Half Wild

At some point in the night, I wake up facing Gabriel. He hasn’t been sleeping much, I can tell. I’ve been dozing off and on myself. His fingers are tracing a pattern around the middle of my back and it’s giving me goosebumps, I wonder if he can feel them. He looks up at me and I find myself staring into those lovely wondrous eyes of his. Swirling gold in brown. It’s intoxicating. They’re the ones all the girls in the camp go crazy over, but I know what they’re really like and for some reason I feel a small pang of victory. Almost selfish, but it is true. I know the things about Gabriel that make him truly remarkable, things no one else can ever hope to dream. And I feel infinitely lucky.

I look at the scar in his eyebrow that’s entirely healed now. I feel sick. I try not to look at it a lot because it’s just a reminder of what _I_ did to him. It felt like forever ago and even now I can’t even remember what made me do it. Now the idea of wildly attacking Gabriel for no reason so absurd, and yet. I reach up and gently touch it with my thumb.

“I’m sorry,” I say quietly, so quiet I don’t think he hears me.

Gabriel shakes his head a little and says, “Don’t Nathan. It’s okay.”

“How can you say that?” I look at him hard, still touching his face. “I hurt you and I don’t even know why. Why didn’t you fight back? Why didn’t you make me stop?”

Just thinking about it more and more is making me feel like I may vomit. Looking at him, feeling his breath gentle on my face, I love him too much. The idea of anyone hurting him sends a white heat through my veins and I know I’ll kill for him. But _I_ hurt him. Why would I do that?

“I was looking at your scars,” Gabriel says then after a moment. “And all I could think of was how each one proof of all the times you never got to fight back.”

“Gabriel-”

“You attacked me, and it hurt. I won’t say it didn’t. But I couldn’t imagine giving you another scar.”

I shake my head and everything he’s saying is just making me feel even more guilty.

I bring my hand to rest on his cheek and he leans into my palm. “I’ll never hurt you again, okay?” I feel like there’s so much more I need to say, so many things I need to apologize for. Gabriel was always better with words that I could ever be.

His face softens. “Oh Nathan,” he says, spreading his palm at the base of my back, a sudden heat blooming through me.

“I promise, Gabriel. I _swear_ it. ”

He brings himself forward just a little, just enough to rest his forehead against mine.

He whispers, “I know.” and smiles softly and I don’t hate myself any less. “You’re a much better person than you realize.”

I’m not sure I believe him, but there’s something in his voice that makes me want to. A sort of gentle sincerity so full of love. Gabriel is never one to say what he doesn’t mean, at least not to me, and I feel his words waft through me like a warm breath. And then I realize its his. He’s so close to me and I know he wants to kiss me but he doesn’t. He’s not waiting for me to either, he just closes his eyes and hugs me closer to him. I let myself press against him, into the warmth, my arm folding around his waist, one of my legs folding over his. I love being this close to him it’s almost too much.

I suddenly get this gnawing feeling in my stomach that if I don’t kiss him immediately, I’d lose my mind. I want to show him that I _can_ be gentle. I can be soft, for him. I don’t know where the feeling came from, but it suddenly sings in my veins making me push forward just those few inches to fold my lips over his. And I love it, I love _him_.

I do so badly love him I almost can't stand it. Not just as a friend, but as someone I need to kiss more and harder. So I do. Gabriel's fist is bunched in my shirt as I'm almost completely rolled on top of him now. I'm kissing him like I've been lost in the desert and he's an oasis. He tastes sweet and perfect and he's making sounds that vibrate through me entirely, making me shiver.

Suddenly his hands are all over me, up the back of my shirt fingers rubbing and gripping all over my back, nails digging in my skin just enough to almost hurt, but it doesn't. His kisses are becoming just a little rougher as he's pulling my bottom lip between his teeth. It feels too good.

Before I realize its happening, he's got a hand sliding around my back and he flips us over so that I'm looking up at him and he's smiling. I don't know that I've seen one like that, if almost looks dangerous and thrilling. Gabriel shifts so that one of his legs is between mine. They are so much longer than mine and it feels even moreso now. He doesn't kiss my mouth this time, but my jaw. His hands are on my sides, on my stomach. His lips are hot and wet on my skin and I need more. His teeth are pulling and dragging down my neck, leaving small kisses as he goes.

He's got the hem of my shirt in his hands before he looks up at me, as if he's waiting for permission. I sit up on my elbows to help him pull it over my head and toss away. I've been shirtless, if not completely naked in front of him loads of times but this is a million times different. He's never looking at me like this, kissed my chest like this, caressed my sides and made me feel like I was being pulled in all directions. With each new touch I find myself loving him more and more and it's almost too overwhelming.

I want him to have this.

"Come back here," I say and he looks up at me from where he's moved down to kiss at my stomach, just above my belly button. He pushes himself up to hover over me, our chests pressed together, his elbows on either side of my head. I don't feel trapped, I feel safe.

This time I'm pulling at his shirt and he reaches over his shoulder with one hand to pull it over his head. And this feels amazing too, Gabriel's skin against mine. I want to feel all of him that I can. He's staring at me, our noses almost touching.

"I love you," I say in a breath, and as I do I realized I'd never said it to him before.

He pulls back just a bit, to look at me closer. His smile becomes so wide as it looks like his eyes are beginning to glisten. "Say it again, Nathan."

This time I grin at him, saying the words slower. I bring my hands up to touch his face, his hair tickles my cheeks where its fallen forward.

"I," I kiss his nose, "love," then his cheek, "you."

He leans down and kisses me so softly, taking my bottom lip between his and sucking just the smallest bit. I adore him for it.

My skin feels like it's on fire and the same energy that I get when I'm the animal is surging through me, but its not the kind that makes me want to hurt or kill anyone. I'm excited, for a different reason, and I can tell Gabriel is too. He moves his hand down to cup the hardness that's painfully straining in my pants and Gabriel smiles victoriously when I gasp in his mouth. We've never done this before either.

Everything after that was a whirlwind of fighting to get our pants off, kissing and touching that was always stayed just this side of wrestling. There was laughter too, when I was kissing Gabriel's stomach and he couldn't stop giggling, which of course meant I had to tickle him more.

"Stop Nathan!" He was gasping and breathless, stomach tight trying to fight me off, pushing at my shoulders, but how could I when his face was colored so beautifully and the laughter that came from his chest was like music. Everything about Gabriel was somehow perfect, it was almost ridiculous.

I stopped, resting my chin on the lower part of his tummy and keeping my hands on his hips. His cock was hard and pressing against my collarbone, but I elected to ignore that for just a moment. I blew gently on the dark line of hair that travelled down below his belly button and he shivered and closed his eyes.

"Do you want me to stop?" I say, not really knowing where I was going anyways.

He shakes his head and his hair shakes with him. "Never."

I kiss his stomach again and Gabriel is fighting to stay still. There is a thrill in watching his always-calm-and-composed demeanor fracture and loosen with each gasp and moan and tremor. All because of something I'm doing.

And I'm not really doing anything all that amazing I don't think, I'm just kissing him and touching him.

I sit up on my elbows to look at his cock, painfully hard and dark at the head. I have no idea how to make another lad feel good, but being a lad myself, I figure I could draw from scattered memories. I take him in hand at the base and Gabriel groans, laying back and screwing his eyes shut. He trusts me with this. I try to make my hand loose around him as I pull up, watching his face. He's shaking and I realize it won't take long to make him come.

I stroke him a few times and I realize that all the times before this, I could have never envisioned myself doing this with Gabriel, much less another boy. The thoughts didn't disgust me, I just never had them. Not really sure what changed, or maybe I did. I'm not sure which feel better, touching Gabriel like this or feeling him shake and itch and grind up into my hand and knowing it's because of me.

Sex with Annalise was good, it was nice. But right now I didn't want good or nice, I wanted something more thought I'm not at all sure what exactly it is nor what to call it.

By now he's all but gasping my name, it's coming out in broken moans and that alone sends a shock straight through me. I move up a bit to kiss his stomach, he's very sensitive there. Well, it's not so much of a kiss as teeth and tongue to skin but Gabriel seems to like it all the same because he's arching up and his hands come up to my shoulder. Not to push me away, but to hold on to something.

His fingernails dig into my shoulders when I put my mouth around one of his nipples - Annalise once touched mine and that felt really good, so I figured this would be better. It seemed to work for him even more because Gabriel is almost chanting my name now and I begin stroking his cock harder and faster. He can't thrust his hips fast enough to keep up with me so he's just writhing, letting me make him come. And I want him to so badly.

I pull up to look at Gabriel's face as he comes and it's the most beautiful sight. His head in thrown back, some of his hair sticking to his sweaty forehead, his eyes were closed most of the time but they open just a moment before to look at me, to press his forehead to mine once again. His breath is hot on my lips, and in my mouth. His hand is gripping the back of my neck, holding me to him.

His body has gone absolutely rigid and stiff but his legs are shaking where they're brought up around my sides . It only takes me a moment to notice the hot stickiness on my hand and my stomach, and I don’t care about that right now. I continue to stroke him, slower and looser now, until he begins to go soft in my hand.

Gabriel is mumbling something in French and I can’t be bothered to try and figure out what he’s saying. It’s coming out all jarbled and in unsteady breaths. He’s smiling though, I’m taking that as something positive. I reach over his head to grab my shirt, to wipe off my hand mostly because I wanna touch his hair. He’s pulling me back down then, holding me against his chest and kissing me again. I smooth back his hair and pull back just enough to kiss his cheeks, to look into his eyes and feel absolutely content.

“Was that okay?” I ask, because I don’t want to feel too confident just in case.

He laughs and the sound vibrates through my chest and for a brief moment I think he's laughing at me, like Annalise did onc. He brings his hands to my back, rubbing up and down my spine.

“I couldn’t imagine anything more perfect.”

I want to roll my eyes, but that goddamn smile again. Completely sated and content and perfect.

Gabriel’s looking drowsy now, his eyes are drooping and his hands are slowing down. I kiss his temple and roll off to lay beside him.

“No no no,” he mumbles with a yawn, “What about you?”

I wonder for a moment what he’s talking about, before I remember how hard I still am., but I don’t care about that right now. I turn to kiss his shoulder, bringing my hand around to hug his chest. “Don’t worry about me,” I smile against his skin.

“Nathan,” Gabriel yawns again and he looks like what I imagine a sleepy kitten might look like. He’s trying to touch me, but its all coming across in half-attempted caresses that feel just as good as anything else.

“I said don’t worry, Gabriel,” I take his hand, the one that was rubbing my hip up to kiss the fleshy part of his palm. “I wanted to do it for you. Go to sleep.” He looks like he’s going to protest again, but instead he uses what little strength he has left to push me over onto my side and to curl tightly behind me. His knees tuck in behind mine and he presses his nose to the nape of my neck.  

Gabriel is so warm behind me and his arms hold me so I feel truly safe. But he doesn’t plan on sleeping just yet. His hand is travelling across my chest, rubbing all over, and it feels amazing and I can’t bring myself to stop him when it travels further down to my stomach and then lower.

His mouth is on my neck and shoulder, and his hand is moving so agonizingly slow and I’m gasping and moaning and I can’t much help it. Gabriel’s movements are so precise and perfect it’s almost as if he’s thought about this more than once. Thought about touching me just like this. Any other time the thought would have embarrassed me, but now, it just makes my whole body grow hot.

He’s whispering things in French in my ear and I wish I knew what he was saying but his voice is husky and low and I think I know what he’s implying. It doesn’t take me very long to finish, not with him like that, his breath on my neck, his teeth on my ear, his hand stroking me slowly. My skin is prickling and I’m shaking and I feel every part of me go numb when I see stars. I’ve reached around to hold Gabriel’s neck, to keep him as close to me as possible. He whispers something else but by now, my head is mushy and fogged and I suddenly feel heavy like I can’t move.

He reaches over to pull the blanket over us both and we stay like that for the rest of the night. I remember telling Gabriel that I loved him before I fell asleep and I think he said the same. I want him always to be this close to me, regardless of what happens. I couldn’t imagine it any other way now.

  
The last thing I remember before I fell asleep, after telling Gabriel that I loved him, was how I couldn’t wait to do it again in the morning. And any other time Gabriel would let me. I would do anything for Gabriel that he would let me. Even if everything in my life was complete and total shit, at least I had this - at least I had him.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm like 800% sure that Gabriel whispering to Nathan in French will be absolutely canon and no one is taking this away from me.


End file.
